Adventures in Potty Training

Thought I would drop by on this wonderful Monday morning (19 days til we get the keys...and still not packed...) and fill everyone in on how Becca's been doing. This weekend, we began potty training. Granted it is a little early...but she was showing the signs that she was ready. So We put some underwear on her and let her run free and see what happened. I took her to the bathroom at least once an hour, and whenever she asked to go. Instead of going ON the potty, the first accident was poopy, and she stood at the top of her slide and just grunted. I grabbed her up, ran her to the bathroom, sat her on the potty and started cleaning what she'd done in the underwear so far out. She finished on the potty, I praised her, and we went to play some more. Not 5 minutes later did she say"uh-oh" and peed on the floor in her doorway. We took those off, rinised them out, and put a diaper on, and it was nap time. Later that night, she decided to pee on her floor again, and we ran out of underwear. So back to diapers. But she did pretty good for her first day. Now she will be working on it at daycare too. Hopefully, that goes well.

As for my newest discovery, I need to stop drinking so much caffiene. And I need to go to my doctor AGAIN and talk to him about some random weird pains I've been having in my arms. I'm not going to do that for a while though. I have al ot of stuff to do today, so I'm off. But there's the update, and another one is sure to be posted in a few days!!

I must be doing something right...

Oh things are finally starting to fall into place for me and I couldn't be happier. Meghan and I are putting a deposit down on an apartment tomorrow, and it's in a great place, we can PAINT (no more white walls!!) and it has a suitable amount of space. And lots of storage space. There's a pool, and a grilling area... I couldn't be more thrilled for this. Plus I may get to get a job working with my biological dad... I'm still super confused what to call him. I mean my adoptive dad is DAD and I can't call Kevin by his name because my little brother and sister are gonna be like "why do you call him *our* dad, he's your dad too" I'm at a loss.

Becca is getting more and more amazing every day. I still have my moments of course. Today, when I picked her up from daycare she clapped her hand ad yelled "mommy" and ran to me. I picked her up and she gave me a big hug and kiss and then wanted her paper, told her teacher bye bye, and then told her friend bye bye "Bye ti ti!!" But... when we got home she turned into crazy child. She wanted to play bubble...so we did. She wanted to play with her plane...so we did. Then she threw a temper tantrum. So we ignored her. And it stopped within 3 minutes. Which is 10 minutes earlier than normal. I am impressed.

I dont know how I'm going to move quickly and quietly though. But my dad is all for it, he wants me out of here. I love my mom, but I can't do this clutter thing anymore. She is going to stay with my grandma for a couple weeks in VA....and isn't going to even TRY To clean the clutter while I'm gone. By the time she gets back...it will be my bday. I want to be able to have people here for my birthday ... and I won't be able to because she's embarassed of the clutter. Maybe if I get my job while she's gone we can go ahead and move before she gets back. :) I would love that.

I want ice cream. This is the end of this blog. :)

What to do, what to do?

Don't get me wrong... I LOVE being a mom. But these past few days have been hellacious. Becca has started this "I don't want to go to bed or nap more than 1 hour during the day" stage. Which is totally ridiculous and I feel like it's not normal. Of course, I can't talk to her dad about it because he never has to deal with her. The last time he even had her overnight was... February. Yep. 4 months ago. Yep he complains about his fiancee's daughter dad not getting her (she's 7) as often as he should. I think someone needs to set some priorites. And this is exactly the reason I didn't want him in her life. I almost forgot. I guess in a way Ryan did the same thing, even when Becca and I lived with him.

I also just want to say I HAVE THE BEST ROOMATE IN THE WORLD!!! She helps me with Becca so so so much!! And I can't wait to move to Evansville in the next month or so. Getting pretty excited. I am so happy some of the pieces are starting to fall in place for me and Becca. All the bad is always worth all the good.

Also for those who do read this, a girl on one of my baby chatting boards had her little girl today, and even though she's only a week early, she's in the NICU, so please send up a prayer or positive thought for the McDowell family. I'm sure she will greatly appreciate it!

Oh. My. God.

I LOVE being a momma!!! Today Becca kept running up to me yelling "mom...momma...mommy!!!" every few minutes and throwing her arms around me for a hug. It's days like these when I totally enjoy motherhood. Now if only there were more of these days. I still live it every day, but today made me SO SO SO happy!!

Long winded stuff....

So of course today Becca couldn't go to daycare because she was "sick" yesterday. She was up and down from 5:30 last night to 8 this morning when my mom decided after getting up with her at 3am that it was time for me to get up. So we played for a bit and when I went to change her diaper she THREW A FIT!!! She has a little diaper rash so I have been putting desitin on it. Now she hasn't had a rash for me in a long time, so I haven't had to put anything on her, except for wiping her. But today, I went to put the Desitin on, and she FREAKED. She acted like someone has been touching her inappropriately. Now, the only person she's been alone with other than me and the daycare workers is my mom. While I don't believe she would do this, she was molested when she was a young girl. But Becca doesn't show any signs of abuse down there so I really don't know. I just feel bad for her. She didn't even hardly east anything today. She had an airhead and a couple of noodles from dinner, and a few chips. Seriously... I don't know if she's going to have an issue as daycare tomorrow. I have to go to work, and I can't exactly take her WITH me, although, that'd be pretty cool.

The guy I was talking to has been really wanting to get with me and hang out, but I really don't know if I want to do that. We end up making bad decisions when we're together. Not sex, but things that can lead up to it. He is the guy that is a really really good christian and doesn't believe in sex before marriage. And I do NOT want to corrupt that. But he doesn't seem to get that. Also, he doesn't see himself getting married, and at this point in my life I feel like if I am dating someone it should be someone that I could potientially marry. I mean I can see myself with him, but he doesn't want to accept responsibilty for another person, or for having kids, and I KNOW I want more kids.

These last few weeks have been a real eye opener for me on a lot of things, and as my birthday draws near (36 days) I feel like at almost 24, I should be in a much better situation in my life than I am right now. I live in my parents house, I'm on my exboyfriends insurance, and I have a job but it doens't pay for much. I feel like a horrible mom though I am doing the best I can do for my daughter. I love her with all of my heart, and even through the bad stages, the good stages: cuddling up on my lap to read a book, running to me when I come to get her from daycare, hugging me and kissing me out of nowhere... it makes up for the bad. And the bad....it's really bad. I am trying reakky hard to break the binkie habit again, and get her to start talking more. She knows so much, but she just refuses to say it, and the reason I worry about it is because I am SUCH a talker. And the kids in her class talk so much more than her. I know I know... all kids develop at their own rate. But that doesn't stop us mom's from worrying right? Sigh.

Just another average day with a lot on my mind....

Today is just another day. I'm getting really worried about Becca's sleep habits. The poor thing is waking up in the middle of the night every two hours like a newborn and just crying and crying. I think she may be afraid of the dark. I'm going to try a brighter nightlight and see if that helps. She also wakes up when she's in bed with me too though, which never happened before. I researched sleep regression, which is normal at 18 months or so but she didn't go through it then, so maybe she was just dragging behind. She is also beginning terrible twos. Which is a complete joy of course because who doesn't love a screaming child who is incredibly happy one second and then out of nowhere just throws herself on the floor flailing and acting like she's having a siezure. And then is fine again. They should call it the bipolor two's. Because that's how it feels.

On another note, things are getting better with my mom SOMEWHAT. We had a huge fight last night and I got out some of my concerns with her, and she is now scared of herself a little because her bipolor is acting out badly because she can't buy her medications. So she's either VERY VERY happy or VERY VERY ANGRY. And you never know what could sit her off. Last night one of the things that exploded was that apparently I am a horrible mother and people have told her to take Becca away (as if I beat her or something).I was thinking "yeah mom, I can see a judge going with that one with your on and off drug use, your drinking binges and your non medicated bipolor disorder." I love my mom, and I'm glad we worked some things out, but I can't put up with that all day every day. Although she did get up and down with Becca last night and let me sleep. Of course this was at 4 am after I woke her up and begged for sleep. Because I have to go to work and she doesn't so she can sleep in the day if she wishes.

Last thing. There is a group on facebook I joined called please don't jump. It's based off a postsecret (http://www.postsecret.com/ if you haven't heard of it check it out) and I just want everyone to know that suicide is something I take seriously. I had a cousin kill himself when I was younger. I didn't know the cousin very well, but I just don't understand how anyone could take their lives. Sure I'll be honest, I have thought about it a few times, but I coule never do it because I am WAY to chicken and because I know people love me and I couldn't leave them behind. My mother has also told me she planned on killing herself at one point, and I had a roomate that tried to kill herself before too. Please, if anyone is thinking about it, know that even if I don't know you, I encourage you not to do it. No matter what you think, someone does love you. Please. Don't do it.

Back to reality...

Here I am back in Evansville. I am not happy. I am tired of crap:

My house is a DISASTER because my mother is back.

I need to get the hell out of my house because we fight all the time about everything.

I think she is doing the bad stuff again.

I don't trust her.

I do NOT want my daughter around her.

I am PISSED beyond belief that my taxes aren't in my bank account yet.

If it wasn't for the fact that Brett would never let me move 6 hours away with Becca I would SO move to Chicago. I love my friends here but I need a new start.

I love my job, but I need another one too.

I miss the hell out of my kid while she's at daycare but it's like after I pick her up she's a demon. It's annoying.

I hate that I love more than one person, and that I have no chance of truly being with either of them. :(

Currently fighting with my mom on the phone.

She is telling me to buy lunchables.

That made it better. :)

I want to leave work now.

I love my job but I want my friend time noooooow.

I miss being in Chicago with my dad. I miss my dad a lot.

I want to be there now.